When You Are Not Dying, Use a Death Doula as a Guide
With any luck, all of us will die many, many years from now, comfortably and naturally in our sleep. That is the optimal outcome for the end of our lives. However, even if that happens, are we ready? Are all of our “affairs in order”?
Most of us haven't considered details related to our eventual passing, whether it's decades away or potentially sooner due to unforeseen circumstances. Often, family members are left stressed, angry, resentful, and burdened with making guesses and dealing with consequences due to a lack of clear guidance.
It's far better to clearly document and organize your wishes, leaving them with a trusted partner, lawyer, or secure location, ensuring that your desires are honored rather than debated.
Wishes and Advanced Directives
In the Commonwealth of Virginia, as of January 2024, adults who are capable of making informed choices about their healthcare can legally fill out an Advanced Directive form, sometimes known as the "5 Wishes." This informs caretakers, nursing facilities, hospices, powers of attorney, and physicians of your healthcare preferences should you become incapacitated. The form must be signed and witnessed by two individuals, clearly stating preferences such as ventilator use, life-saving measures, organ donation, and trusted decision-makers. Copies should be distributed to your physician and trusted family members.
Arrangements for Memorials, Funerals, and Dispositions
During grief, families face challenging, urgent decisions. Burial or cremation? Final resting place? Preferred songs, flowers, or poetry? How would you like to be remembered?
Funeral homes offer “PRE-NEED” arrangements, allowing individuals to pre-plan and pre-pay their funeral details, easing the financial and emotional burden on loved ones.
Today’s options include terramation (body composting—currently unavailable in Virginia), aquamation (water cremation), burials at sea, veteran-specific funerals, and personalized memorials at favorite venues. Living Funerals are increasingly popular, celebrating life while the person is still present to share memories, stories, and treasured possessions.
Death Doulas specialize in planning and organizing these details, helping individuals prepare far in advance, ensuring they can enjoy life without concerns about final arrangements.
Wills and Trusts
Wills provide clear instructions for loved ones after death, including guardianship arrangements for minors, asset distribution (pets, valuables), dispute settlements, and charitable donations. While wills are public records and subject to probate, they simplify court processes and reduce costs. However, wills do not protect estates from creditors before distribution.
Trusts are increasingly popular, offering privacy, control, and flexibility during incapacity and after death. These require professional assistance from estate planning or elder law attorneys due to complexity. Trusts have distinct advantages and disadvantages, so consulting a legal expert is recommended.
Gathering Important Data
In emergencies, family or caregivers need immediate access to critical information. Creating a secure, easily accessible informational binder helps alleviate stress and confusion during challenging times. This binder should clearly document essential details, saving caregivers from hours of guesswork and frustration.
Ideas to include in your informational binder:
- Copies of medical orders or DNRs (Do Not Resuscitate)
- Emergency phone tree contacts
- Preplanned funeral instructions or contact information
- Account numbers, logins, and passwords for utilities and essential services
- Life insurance policies and relevant legal contacts (Trust or Will attorneys)
- Pet care details: caretaker contacts, feeding schedules, veterinarian information, medications
- Special household items (artwork, plants) and their significance or care instructions
Preparing these details in advance ensures your wishes are honored, reduces stress on loved ones, and enables you to enjoy life confidently knowing you've taken proactive measures for your future.